This is a journal.

I’m blogging my journal.   I don’t know if it’s the best way to do it.   But,  for some reason,  it’s the way I’ve chosen.

I’ve started notebook type journals over the years,  and been fairly consistent at times.  But I lose them.   Or they wind up in the hands of the wrong person.  That’s fing embarrassing.

Somehow,  an “open” blog seems more anonymous.   And maybe it will help someone in a similar situation at some point.   I kind of doubt it.   But maybe.

I’ll probably be the only person to ever read it.   Maybe S,  but I’m not sure she’ll ever be interested.   Those days are gone it seems.

And that’s not necessarily a bad thing.   She used to be very needy and perhaps co-dependant.   All of our recent conversations confirm that’s no longer the case.   But she’s still committed and very loving.   Just wiser and more mature now.

I’ll post more in a minute.   These are just some first thoughts to share today.

I’m actually a decent dad

Being a dad is probably the thing I’m best at.   Decent at least.   I love my kids,  and I’ve devoted my life to them.

Being a good dad is honestly the main reason S has stayed over the years.   She still loves me [in fact,  yesterday she said she’s “so in love”, which was the first time she’s said it like that in a while].  But,  over the years,  I’ve damaged a lot of the love she “felt.”  She’s still very loving and good to me,  but we’re in a season where I’m the feeling one.   There have been times when my commitment as a father has truly been the glue keeping her connected to “Daddy.”

In Bible study yesterday I read, “God we proclaim,  warning everyone with all wisdom,  that we may present everyone mature in Christ. ” [Collossians 1:28]

This is really my heart’s greatest desire for my children.   To know God and His great love for them.   To mature in their faith.   To make God known in a day and age that is increasingly opposed to biblical truth.

That starts with me.   So often I fail as a spiritual leader.   Especially as a husband.   But I’m better in leadership to my children.   And the fruits of our spiritual investment in them is obvious in some beautiful moments.

Yesterday our youngest daughter prayed in church.   It was sincere and child-like in faith.   But it deeply affected a couple of big,  tough,  muscle bound men.   To the point of tears.   Even better than the sermon they said!

I praise God for a faith that can be shared; passed on to children who will gift faith to their generation and children of their own some day.   I praise God for a beautiful wife who joined me “as one” and has always invested in our children’s faith development,  even when I didn’t.  I praise God for fruitful moments that prove His faithfulness in our lives and His Holy Spirit working in the lives of our children.

I’ve still got a lot of maturing to do myself.   “Lotsas”   Here’s a prayer:

“Lord,  for me and my family,  I make Paul’s prayer my own: ‘that we may grow up into Him in all things,  which is the head,  Christ’ “

First words

I’m told I started speaking early.  Like 7 months old.  One of my children also began speaking before 8 months old and could say a lot of the letters of the alphabet before she turned 1.  Words.  Important.  Like daily.  Important from the time we are young and desperate to communicate with the world God placed us in.  Important till the day we go on to eternity.

What a shame that as we age, become more comfortable in relationships (wife/husband, parents/children, etc), we often use less and less words with each other.  Communicate what is “necessary” but stopping just short of communicating our desires (good and bad), dreams, wants, needs, etc.  (in my case, it’s often a failure to listen if I’m honest)

Or perhaps we give our best words & communication to people at school, work, strangers (out & about, internet strangers, etc).  How many times do we find ourselves in negative communication patterns with loved ones: spouses, children, parents, and other family.  Things they haven’t done well enough, ways they need to improve, work they must complete, and on and on.

God challenged me this morning to use my “first words” each day as a blessing to those I encounter.  First words to my Creator.  First words to my wife.  First words to my children.  Words that should matter at the start of each day.  Words that can encourage.  Words that can bless.

Men should be “builders.”  We should use our words and our lives to build families, build children of character, build a world that is better because we have loved and lived faithfully.  I want to be that kind of man.  I want to build…starting with the first words I speak each day.

A prayer:

Dear Holy Spirit, before I say anything else today, help me to remember (and speak) your words first.

I’m not a great husband either.

Disciple.   Husband.   Dad.

My most important jobs in life.   Ever.   Yet,  I still feel short in each area of responsibility.

My journal entry today is mostly an email I sent to my wife.   I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say,  she’s loved me better than I’ve ever deserved and in ways other men only dream of.   I’ve honestly never known another woman who loves and serves her spouse as deeply as S has loved me.   And yet,  for many years,  I failed to return her love in ways that she could really feel and hold onto.   Forgive me Lord.

I let jobs…. And even “ministry” take priority in ways that were damaging to her.   In ways that chipped away at her heart and emotions.

But she’s a good woman.   She’s a godly woman.   And she’s never given up.   Thank you God.   And thank you S.

Here’s the email:

The blessing of us and our family
To:

s
Mornings are different for me this past week.  Better.  I’m waking up with you by my side, which is beautiful.  But also, my soul is being fed.  Normally after I’ve made coffee, so that’s a pretty big highlight too!

I’m using a few different sources for devotion each day. God is truly using your words as a source of joy.  Hope.  I find so much in your words.

Your first blog post says:  “As I’m sure you all know, R and I are completely smitten and couldn’t be happier…”

11 years later and I’m even more smitten with you…

God has always given you such a love and energy for our marriage and our family.  Even on your hardest days, you’ve never given up.  You ARE a great mom, and an amazing wife.  You’re the glue in our family, no matter how poorly behaved our kids can be or how stubborn your husband may be.  Thank you for being more than just glue…..you’re flipping “super glue” with extra adhesive mixed in.

I have started a journal.  I’ll try to put my thoughts there so as not to bore you too much here.  😉  Heck, I’m not even sure you still use this email address?  But there are things I want to tell you, and this seems a good place.

You’re so good to me.  Yesterday, you were so tender and affectionate.  All day.  When you told me how life has drained you, and how you can’t be deeply emotional now, you spoke in ways you knew I needed to hear.  But you also acknowledged my feelings and poured into my “emotional tank” all day.   Thank you.

You’ve always given so much to your family.  I don’t know how we can even begin to repay your love and commitment to us.  I just want you to know I see it.  More clearly than ever, I see it.

you wrote:

“Speaking of R being sweet, he said the most wonderful thing to me last night. I’m sure this should stay private, but it’s too sweet not to share. Instead of saying, “I love you,” he said, “I’m so in love with you.” There was so much meaning behind those words, and I’m happy to say that we are both still very much in love with each other and in love with our girls. We have such a great family! God has truly blessed us.”

Yes.  God has truly blessed us.  Thank you for how you have always allowed Him to bless us through you.

With love,
R

A verse I read today and wanted to share;
Isaiah 58:11.  “The LORD will guide you always; He will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame.  You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail.”

I’m an awful disciple.

Jesus loves me this I know.

I’m just not sure I love Him back.  Not enough at least.

 

I do love Him.  I serve Him [at my convenience].  And,  on rare occasions,  I know I honor Him.

My greatest joy is serving God by serving my family.  My wife.   My children.   They are all so awesome.

Recently,  though,  family has been a struggle for me.   A lot of that is my fault.   Lack of attention to spiritual leadership.   Yet again,  not “hearing” my wife during times she wanted to share her dreams,  her struggles.   It seems a pattern for me.   I hate it.

I discovered things that broke me.   And in discussing issues,  I was called a “hypocrite.”  It’s true.   Such a hypocrite.   I want things I haven’t always given.   Forgive me Lord.

God has blessed me so much.   I should [and could] spend every day counting my blessings.

Instead,  I worry myself sick with anxiety.  And miss out on more of God’s blessings.  I hate it.

Forgive me Lord.

I’m doing morning devotionals again.  My prayer life has deepened.   I’m spending more time with my wife and children.   So good things ARE happening.

Here are the highlights of my devotional today:

Matthew 7:9-12.  “Which of you,  if his son asks for bread,  will give him a stone?… If you,  then, though you are evil [broken…. I am], know how to give good gifts to your children,  how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask Him? So in everything,  do to others what you would like them to do to you… ”

A prayer:  “Father,  thank you for being patient with me even when I’m not so patient with You.”

My wife’s words from several years ago,  describing who she is:

“Reborn. Redeemed.  Renewed.  Remembered…. My life is not my own [praise God for that]…Looking for love.  Found it!  [and never letting go of that man]

Now,  I’m counting blessings…