I’m also an awful blogger.

Or “journal-ist” , as this is technically my journal.

I have not written in forever. Almost a month. Some of the delay is life and being consumed by it. But mostly I’ve just been numb. Unable to really write because I know it will be too negative.

The hardest thing this past month is my dad needing open heart surgery. That was shocking to all of us and scary as hell. I spent the better part of 3 weeks with him in hospital rooms and (finally) back home for his recovery.

Thankfully, his coworkers and friends are helping now that he’s back home. So I’ve had a few days off. The rest has been good. And he will stay with us this week end. So I needed to recharge a bit anyway.

S was amazing during the entire process. Which isn’t surprising at all. She shines in moments like this. She handled all the kids and house related stuff while I was with dad, then took over as his nurse when he came back to our house. She’ll do the bulk of the work this weekend too. She’s truly an amazing wife and mom, but also a daughter to my parents. She loves them dearly and she always has.

Also while I was out of town she sent me so many loving texts. Constantly telling me how much she loves me, how much she missed me, how she longed for my arms, etc.  It was very much like the “good old days” when she constantly adored and showed me her affection.  I was greatly comforted by the emotional connection even when we were apart physically.

But the other thing she did while I was gone was to start commenting on those blogs again. I knew she still read them. I’m pretty sure they just show up in daily email or some other kind of “news feed”. But she largely had stopped commenting since the day she told me she would give up all of that.

To her credit, she isn’t using a hundred different “names” this time, and she’s even posting with her own name on some of the blogs. (I think all the WordPress blogs actually.). I just can’t help but worry that it leads back to how things were when she was telling other men how sexy they are, carrying on with other women about the man (not me) she wanted to “lick up, down, and sideways”, and writing/recording erotic poetry and comments.  How can I not worry about that when I still have so many questions about just how far things really went.

As an example, one of the “poets” she commented on while I was away, is also one of the guys she called sexy in the past. A guy who looks very different than I do. This is one of the guys I’ve never brought up to her. To my knowledge, she has not posted again on any of the other men’s blogs (the ones I’ve mentioned), but it just worries me that she has posted again on his blog, and I feel it’s because she thinks I don’t know about him. Maybe I’m overthinking this. But it also worries me that she said she would give all of this up, yet she resumes at least some of it while I’m out of town.

And I still have no idea who she emails or communicates with on Twitter and instagram. And there was a new Twitter account that popped up and followed one of her favorite guys , retweeting dozens of his “poems” while I was out of town, only to be deleted (the entire account) before I returned. There’s not any real reason to think it was her, other than the timing and the fact that she was once the only (and daily) commenter on his blog. Much as “missdirection” was the only person to give him so much attention on Twitter.

I’m definitely overthinking it. Right?  I still need to post her words that resonate so strongly with me about not being able to let go of suspicions. Hell, she still has not shared any of her poetry, or poetry blogs with me. She had over a dozen different emails, and it’s clear from her posts she communicated (communicates?) with people from those addresses. But I’ve only ever received a reply from her official email and only been allowed to see her wholesome family blog. In the past, Others would simply say “the keys to your new home please” and she would immediately oblige with “I just emailed you the link and password .”  It’s been months now since I requested the same, and I’m still in the dark and still unsure about how far the “flirtations” really went.

I’m journaling as I take a bath. She just came in, leaned over, laid her head on my chest, told me she loves me, and kissed me sweetly. That should be enough! But because I live with the uncertainty of what may have happened months and years ago, and because she was interactive with those same people while I was out of town, I still have all these questions and doubts. I hate it. I want to simply enjoy the kind words, the sweet kisses, the tender moments.

I can’t find the comment now, but what S had written once, was that whether suspicions are true or not, when your “lover” has given you reason to be suspicious about your faithfulness and devotion, it becomes consuming mentally and emotionally. She obviously wrote from experience. I know I gave her plenty of reasons over the years to doubt my devotion to her. And I know it drove her crazy in the past. And , to be honest, she’s much better and responsive to me now than I was to her then. Yes, the unknown drives me crazy, but she is very loving and affirming every day. She’s also more affectionate than she was when I first became suspicious.  I don’t know that I’ll ever have her adoration again the way it used to be (still need to post those letters), but she is very loving and affectionate and seems very genuine.  I’m not sure that I ever really gave her much other than words of assurance and commitment when she was the one in my shoes. I have always loved her deeply, but there were years she didn’t feel it, and years I only showed it the way I felt comfortable doing so.

I know she’s so much better to me than I was to her. And no matter my doubtful feelings, we have so much love to celebrate. We share it daily. In fact, I have a journal because I need to deal with some of these emotions, but I do not want to dampen our daily affection/communication just because I’m worried about things I can’t change. And I may never have a full peace about what was going on then. Obviously, it wasn’t “ok”. But some how I have to quiet the worries and doubts.  I have to keep moving on.

I think it’s time to watch “the office “ and laugh. Or get pizza. Maybe both.

I’ll be back soon. For real.

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Old letters and cards from S

I know I seem a bit whiny. Probably too fixated on the state of my marriage. Specifically S’s feelings. I know she still loves me. She’s still committed to our marriage and children. She’s still affectionate. And we’re physically active together pretty often. I know I have it better than most men—married or otherwise.

But I also know how she used to feel. How she expressed those feelings. And losing that “kind of love” from her is crushing. I know much of it is my fault, which makes it harder. My neglect in earlier years. My mistakes and my sins. It’s also too many moves and so many children.

But it’s all just so devastating when I read what she’s written to other men and on random blogs.  The few poems I have read of hers…the ones I’ve heard. And I’ll never know what all the emails and secret blogs contained.  Hell, I don’t even have a clue how many blogs & email addresses existed (exist?)

The woman I married, the woman who wrote words of adoration and devotion to me…she never would have written the things I’ve found the past few months. The very fact that she felt freedom to write and record such erotic poetry…the fact that it wasn’t about me or us…the comments she made to other men…the countless hours and energy she put into those comments…it’s truly devastating.

Like I said, I’ve been loved, adored,  and admired in a way that few other men have experienced. That kind of devotion is never forgotten.  I’m loved these days. I’m respected. She gives affection and romance. I just miss the heart. The adoration. The passion.

Life moves on. I’ve certainly made her feel less than adored before. I’ve certainly noticed others and been inappropriate in my thoughts. I’ve been a hypocrite more than I want to admit. We didn’t arrive to this place overnight.   And, honestly, it’s a testament to our love and commitment for each other that things are still as good as they are between us. And God. I really believe He brought us together and has kept us together.

But I can’t help but miss the kind of feelings she had when she wrote words like this for me, and me alone:

”Don’t ever doubt that I love you with everything I have.  You bring me immense joy and happiness, and I am so certain you are the perfect and only man for me, for the rest of my life.  That’s why I hope you’ll do me the honor of being my valentine today and every day.  With all my heart, R, I love you.”

S  ❤️

 

Way behind

Lots of great things going on. I should have posted sooner, but the great things are keeping me busy.

First off, a couple of weeks ago, I woke up in the middle of the night, and began reading more of her comments and poetry.  By 6 am I was making coffee and I was heartbroken. I had found yet MORE blogs where she was telling men how sexy they were and leaving comments that could literally make a sailor blush. I’ve known a sailor or two who would have for sure.

She awoke about the time I was reading some of her “best” material. She quickly realized something was wrong, I told her what, and added I didn’t realize how bad things had gotten.  In the course of that exchange (which was brief) she teared up and said “I thought we were doing great together.”

Then she showered.

And when she came out , she finally connected with me in a way that felt intimate.  It felt like younger days. Like the times I knew I had her heart and her passion. I finally had a morning where I felt like she wanted connection the way I did.

I know some of this is just in my head. That it probably wasn’t as bad as it has felt. In fact, she wrote a post I’ll later quote that perfectly sums up why these worries/anxieties have lingered.

But since that morning, every day has been amazing. She’s with me. We’re connecting. She’s more open to me in every way. And she’s been a rock star at church (VBS and birthdays especially). I told her this weekend, she was “vintage s” because of all her hard work at vbs. She LOVED the statement. A month ago, she might have rolled her eyes.

Truly, things are great!

Thank you God. For all your blessings.

Tuesday, July 2, 2019

I had some really awful dreams last night.  Things are good for us, but I can’t forget the words written and the things that just don’t make sense.  I guess that’s why I had dreams featuring Annie and Eddie last night.

It could also be that , while things still fester in my mind, I don’t feel freedom to discuss it with her. She’s given her answers. She says she’s moved on.  And, honestly, we’re having some of our best days in our marriage.  So why would I want to go down those rabbit holes again?!?

The anxiety is mostly under control now. We are doing so well together.  And the thoughts no longer consume, but they do linger.  But , truly things are so good and getting better!

Heres some words of impact from recent days:

1 John 3:18. “My little children, let us not love in word only…but in deed and in truth.”

”Dear God, help me to lovingly nurture the eternity You’ve planted within my own children “. A prayer

“God wants to live with me and be a part of my every movement, thought, and breath. I should want that too.”  Julia Attaway

We can’t please all people, but we can please God.

From hymns we sang this Sunday:

”He brings my wandering spirit back, when I forsake His ways; and leads me by His mercy, in paths of truth and grace.”…”O may Your house be my abode, and all my work be praise. There may I find a settled rest…”  My Shepherd Will Supply My Need

”Oft our cherished plans have failed, disappointments have prevailed, and we’ve wandered in the darkness, heavy hearted and alone; but we’re trusting in the LORD, and according to His word, we will understand it better by and by”…”temptations, hidden snares often take us unawares, and our hearts are made to bleed for some thoughtless word or deed, and we wonder why the test, when we try to do our best, but we’ll understand it better by and by…”. When The Morning Comes

“I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause; I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause; I’d rather have Jesus than world wide fame, I’d rather be true to His holy name”