Or “journal-ist” , as this is technically my journal.
I have not written in forever. Almost a month. Some of the delay is life and being consumed by it. But mostly I’ve just been numb. Unable to really write because I know it will be too negative.
The hardest thing this past month is my dad needing open heart surgery. That was shocking to all of us and scary as hell. I spent the better part of 3 weeks with him in hospital rooms and (finally) back home for his recovery.
Thankfully, his coworkers and friends are helping now that he’s back home. So I’ve had a few days off. The rest has been good. And he will stay with us this week end. So I needed to recharge a bit anyway.
S was amazing during the entire process. Which isn’t surprising at all. She shines in moments like this. She handled all the kids and house related stuff while I was with dad, then took over as his nurse when he came back to our house. She’ll do the bulk of the work this weekend too. She’s truly an amazing wife and mom, but also a daughter to my parents. She loves them dearly and she always has.
Also while I was out of town she sent me so many loving texts. Constantly telling me how much she loves me, how much she missed me, how she longed for my arms, etc. It was very much like the “good old days” when she constantly adored and showed me her affection. I was greatly comforted by the emotional connection even when we were apart physically.
But the other thing she did while I was gone was to start commenting on those blogs again. I knew she still read them. I’m pretty sure they just show up in daily email or some other kind of “news feed”. But she largely had stopped commenting since the day she told me she would give up all of that.
To her credit, she isn’t using a hundred different “names” this time, and she’s even posting with her own name on some of the blogs. (I think all the WordPress blogs actually.). I just can’t help but worry that it leads back to how things were when she was telling other men how sexy they are, carrying on with other women about the man (not me) she wanted to “lick up, down, and sideways”, and writing/recording erotic poetry and comments. How can I not worry about that when I still have so many questions about just how far things really went.
As an example, one of the “poets” she commented on while I was away, is also one of the guys she called sexy in the past. A guy who looks very different than I do. This is one of the guys I’ve never brought up to her. To my knowledge, she has not posted again on any of the other men’s blogs (the ones I’ve mentioned), but it just worries me that she has posted again on his blog, and I feel it’s because she thinks I don’t know about him. Maybe I’m overthinking this. But it also worries me that she said she would give all of this up, yet she resumes at least some of it while I’m out of town.
And I still have no idea who she emails or communicates with on Twitter and instagram. And there was a new Twitter account that popped up and followed one of her favorite guys , retweeting dozens of his “poems” while I was out of town, only to be deleted (the entire account) before I returned. There’s not any real reason to think it was her, other than the timing and the fact that she was once the only (and daily) commenter on his blog. Much as “missdirection” was the only person to give him so much attention on Twitter.
I’m definitely overthinking it. Right? I still need to post her words that resonate so strongly with me about not being able to let go of suspicions. Hell, she still has not shared any of her poetry, or poetry blogs with me. She had over a dozen different emails, and it’s clear from her posts she communicated (communicates?) with people from those addresses. But I’ve only ever received a reply from her official email and only been allowed to see her wholesome family blog. In the past, Others would simply say “the keys to your new home please” and she would immediately oblige with “I just emailed you the link and password .” It’s been months now since I requested the same, and I’m still in the dark and still unsure about how far the “flirtations” really went.
I’m journaling as I take a bath. She just came in, leaned over, laid her head on my chest, told me she loves me, and kissed me sweetly. That should be enough! But because I live with the uncertainty of what may have happened months and years ago, and because she was interactive with those same people while I was out of town, I still have all these questions and doubts. I hate it. I want to simply enjoy the kind words, the sweet kisses, the tender moments.
I can’t find the comment now, but what S had written once, was that whether suspicions are true or not, when your “lover” has given you reason to be suspicious about your faithfulness and devotion, it becomes consuming mentally and emotionally. She obviously wrote from experience. I know I gave her plenty of reasons over the years to doubt my devotion to her. And I know it drove her crazy in the past. And , to be honest, she’s much better and responsive to me now than I was to her then. Yes, the unknown drives me crazy, but she is very loving and affirming every day. She’s also more affectionate than she was when I first became suspicious. I don’t know that I’ll ever have her adoration again the way it used to be (still need to post those letters), but she is very loving and affectionate and seems very genuine. I’m not sure that I ever really gave her much other than words of assurance and commitment when she was the one in my shoes. I have always loved her deeply, but there were years she didn’t feel it, and years I only showed it the way I felt comfortable doing so.
I know she’s so much better to me than I was to her. And no matter my doubtful feelings, we have so much love to celebrate. We share it daily. In fact, I have a journal because I need to deal with some of these emotions, but I do not want to dampen our daily affection/communication just because I’m worried about things I can’t change. And I may never have a full peace about what was going on then. Obviously, it wasn’t “ok”. But some how I have to quiet the worries and doubts. I have to keep moving on.
I think it’s time to watch “the office “ and laugh. Or get pizza. Maybe both.
I’ll be back soon. For real.
Stories and thoughts of a bad disciple 