Ive read this passage so often the past several weeks. It’s fitting that I post it here as a reminder.  I’m still working on this kind of love; I always will be.  At least I should always work towards loving like this.

This verse often convicts me of how I tend to make love about me—MY heart, MY needs, MY feelings.  That’s a problem.

Not to say my needs, etc don’t matter.  But love is a focus on the needs of others.  Even “tough love” is a desire to help someone who’s hurting—for whatever reason—find wholeness and healing.

LORD, please help me to love like this.  To love You.  To love S. To my children and love others.  Above myself.  To daily purpose to love as You have loved me.

1Cor 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy , it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails.

Actually a great Fathers Day!

S cooked an amazing meal, the kids made precious gifts, and all of them gave thoughtful cards. Especially S. (She gave great gifts too, including the best pair of pants ever!)

Back to the card she gave me. Here’s what she wrote:

”You are precious to me…I’m so sorry for not always making you feel that way, but I do treasure and respect your heart, mind, body, and soul. Thank you so much for never giving up on me and for loving me enough to fight for my best self to rise up and for my full focus to be on Christ and family. You are exactly the man I need and have always needed-for my own good, and for that of our children. You are my one true love, and you have my heart. Thank you for loving me and our children through all the ups and downs, moves, losses, etc. I couldn’t have picked a more perfect father and husband. I love you with all my heart.”

Such a great day. Such an amazing wife and family.  Things feel right again. Thank you FATHER!

I don’t think you’re actually reading this blog. But I did provide an accidental bridge. So, if and when you find your way here, please know the above post is my brain trying to get the noise out.

You’re welcome here anytime.

Things are going great, getting better, and you are incredibly loving.

This was an especially great weekend. And I’m enjoying the work and clean up we’re doing on the house right now.

On the way to get your new couch!

you asked that this morning-

if I’m mad because we didn’t have sex-

its not that.  not really

I’m a little mad, sure

but I would have enjoyed just cuddling.  just you to start the day

the way

you started so many with their words.

always wondered why you set the alarm so so early.

 

if I’m mad, it’s mostly with myself

I suck

at words

at formatting this damn post

at things that really matter-

suckingoutthethrob

what a great blog name

porn worthy, even

hate I missed the content of that one

did you know Anne Sexton shares my birthday? Died the year I was born. Means nothing. But it’s an interesting connection.

and she abused her kids-no connection there

but she wrote great poetry

confessional, they say-

and, like I said-formatting

I suck

so,no, I’m not really mad at you.

 

just me

 

and tormented

confused

you were the (letterkenny) Gail

showing up in scene after scene

thrusting your hips

licking your lips

swooning. being “slayed”

over and over

and those are just the uncut scenes

I’ll never see the secret blogs

deleted comments

(those must’ve been REALLY good)

or the emails.

 

tormented

you love this shit from Annie

can you love the torment in my thoughts?

actually, I think you do;

just a bit sadistic.

 

you love me

I know you do

you love the kids even more

thats enough

I know

I’m content-

just devastated

by what

I’ve learned

man, have I learned

some lessons

same lessons

I’ve learned

woman, have I

so, I’m confused

maybe curious is the right word

 

word(s)

I want to use the ones that make hips thrust

the words that stay with you all day

you cum back to them over

and over

oops; I (miss)pelled a word

(am I doing this right?)

but sometimes you love those (un)intentional …

 

how do y’all do this? I’m only now aware of your time management

skills

wow

you are skilled

you’d probably appreciate

(s)killed

so much to draw out of that

 

anyway, back to the story at hand…

you finally admitt(ed) to flirtation(s)-

not only meaningless words

thank you

the honesty helps

I’ll never know how far that went

so many secret(s) blogs

and hidden emails

so few details in the aftermath

its different now

I know

I’ve seen the change

it means a lot

truly

”let’s start over” you said

my brain just torments itself needing to know how deep it was

needing closure.

 

Closure

close her

all the hers

(and there were so many)

closer

you are

that small confession helps

its the other “meaningless” confessions that haunt

talking about the passing train passengers you’ve flashed

your bountiful breasts that others have enjoyed

except in “seasons of extreme effort to be a good girl”

how long did the season(s) last?

since you’ve known me?

how good have you been for Daddy?

how naughty?

I will never know

other confessions haunt

calling yourself a liar who hides behind multiple personas

lying about who Annie was all those years ago, then bragging about it on her blog

charles

lie man

him?

is he the poet who lost his mojo because you saw him in briefs?

do tell

I need relief

 

(if only I had read a few pages, way back then, I would have known; I simply trusted.)

 

I have always trusted you

your truth

though you haven’t ever trusted me

hence, I am indeed mad

at myself

the blame for your sins are my sins

my lies begot yours

sins of the father…

 

but your words weren’t all meaningless

and the confessions-

I just need closure

fuck

yes, they could have been anything

but sexting November is so different than the lowly “giraffe”

why?

 

”I knew you’d say that”

” I knew you’d write for this prompt”

they all knew

it was just me

in the dark

(who did they know would actually write about giraffes? I’m honestly curious)

whatever!

right?

 

just move on

I have

I am

I will

and it’s true

I see the changes you’ve made

it comforts

you’re so good to me

you’re so sexy (apple suggested that word…your appeal is real and well known)

but(t) for real(s)

you have bent over

backwards

for me

even if there are other places

you’d rather be

 

and I do own this

I remember well what a good girl you strived to be

for at least a long season

so I accept my blame

and my consequences

sins of the father…

 

 

 

I just posted to another blog without realizing I was signed in.

I’m still learning this whole thing. Maybe there is a way to edit/delete?

oh well, it was just a funny comment anyway.

Speaking of my blog being known…S has been very “gushy” today.  I wonder if she is reading after all?

But also, I’ve been more myself, making her laugh a lot, and pretty damn productive.  It’s probably the laughing.  But if you are reading, thanks.  I love you very much. (What she said this morn during a loving embrace.)

just to share before I forget:

Yesterday was nearly perfect. I thought first thing in the morning, I have to make her laugh. It has to be a good day! I did and it was.

Laughter and hanging out in the morning. Swimming at the Y, goodwill, and library in the afternoon.

S even said she loves me “lotsa” yesterday (a word our youngest uses). She’s very loving, indeed. But she doesn’t “gush” over me like she used to. So, obviously, those words affected me.

 

 

It cannot be said enough, S is an amazing wife and mom. I’m incredibly grateful for her.  God has blessed me greatly.

Even today I’ve been guilty of dwelling on things that hurt instead of how much she has done to help me through anxiety. Anxiety is real. And it’s crippling.

Personally, I’m convicted that dwelling in my anxiety is also sinful.  I’m not always able to prevent it, but I don’t need to wallow in it.  Especially as a Christian, a husband and a father.

here are helpful verses and thoughts from my devotionals:

Proverbs 3:5.  Trust in the Lord with all your heart and don’t lean on your own Understanding.

A prayer: Lord,help me to trust You in all things and to leave the results up to You.

A prayer: teach me Lord, to live a resurrected life.

Mark 9:24  “Lord, I believe; help my unbelief”

A prayer: Dear Lord, help me to remember that when I feed my fears, I lose sight of You.

Also, here are devotional words written by S several years ago.  I’m trusting God to bring these words back to her heart, her pen and her mouth.

”Praise the Lord for always providing what we need just when we need it…I have not felt so alive in the Lord in a long time. It has made me appreciate my girls and my sweet husband so much more; the Lord has blessed me greatly over the past few years and it’s like I am seeing it all clearly for the first time….”

 

Lack of faith. Even the disciples struggled. Even witnessing Christ perform miracle after miracle.

Lord, please help me in my times of struggles to always trust your goodness and grace.

Lord, I wrestle with sinful desires and emotions that don’t honor you or build my marriage.

You tell me “love keeps no record of wrong.”  Yet I continue to dwell on things that hurt rather than the love and hope I can enjoy today.  Help me to let go of the past and embrace Your work in the present and Your Hope for the future.

Seemed appropriate.

A prayer I just read: “Father,  whenever I’m in the wrong,  help me to do the right thing. ”

I needed that prayer today.

My amazing wife [and she really is amazing] has loved me so beautifully and sweetly these past couple of weeks.  I’ve been hurt by words she wrote.   But healed by words she’s spoken.   And yet,  I continue to bring up the pain.  And find more reasons to hurt.

It’s not fair to her.   And it’s not godly.   In fact,  it’s destructive behavior on my part.   And even after a perfect day and night yesterday,  I did it again last night.

Please forgive me God.   And help me do the right thing from this day on.

You’ve given me a beautiful wife and family.   I’ve certainly had my own shares of sins and struggles.   Help me to let go and move forward.   For You.   For S.  For my children.   For me.

And S,  if you ever read these words,  I’m truly sorry for last night.